I got pregnant in June of 2021. I was so excited when I found out, I ran to the store to buy a baby outfit so that I could surprise my husband with the news. It was early in the morning, I woke him up from his sleep and turned on my video camera as I showed him the baby clothes and a card that said we were expecting and that he was going to be a great dad.
The next month, we agreed we would begin to tell our families because we believed everything was fine. We all went out to eat on my mom’s birthday at a Mexican Restaurant and on her birthday card, I wrote from all of us plus “baby”. At first glance, she missed the sign and I told her to look closely again. She began crying with tears of joy, saying “My baby is having a baby”. We were all so happy and thought we would get to meet our little one one day.
In the month of August, I had an appointment, my first ultrasound. I was nervous but hopeful because I was feeling all of the symptoms of pregnancy. But when they put the scan on my belly, I immediately could tell something was wrong because there was only a gestational sac and a yolk sac, but at that point, I knew there should have been more. My doctors told me at that point that I would most likely miscarry and I broke down in disbelief.
We had already told most of our family and I felt embarrassed, disappointed and most of all, heartbroken. I looked over at my husband and could tell he was in shock and devastated, which made me sink deeper into a depression. Of course, the doctors asked me to get a D&C but I refused. I was incredibly angry and felt that suffering was what I deserved because I blamed myself. I didn’t want to do anything but crawl into my bed and never come out.
Eventually, I became hopeful again by the Grace of God. My husband and I decided to try again and in November I was pregnant again. I believed that it was finally my turn and my miracle had arrived. But because I was familiar with the signs and truth of miscarriage, I looked up every sign of miscarriage and worried myself to death. At my 6 week scan, the baby’s heartbeat was normal and my doctor said everything seemed to be progressing as normal. But then, I had another scan at 8 weeks and was informed that the heartbeat was gone. The doctor looked at us and said, “ I am sorry there is no heartbeat”.
Up until that point, they had given me no supplementation to help me keep the pregnancy and just let me believe everything was fine. Although the doctors had told me all of my progesterone and estrogen levels looked good, I had later received a second opinion, in which the new doctor recommended that progesterone supplements may have helped because my levels were “low-normal”. I was devastated that the previous doctors had failed to give me any supplementation and/or knowledge about ways I could increase my chances of having a successful pregnancy. And I became aware of how important it is to find the right doctor.
I prayed for a resurrection. I cried. I begged God to reverse the nightmare. I felt hopeless. I felt as though I was being punished for the sins of my past. But still, we lost our second baby.
Eventually, I found new faith and a new hope after begging God for revelation and understanding about why I had to go through those darkest moments of my life. Not only me, but also to see my husband and family so disappointed was heartbreaking.
God had revealed to me that I may not understand everything, but that is okay. All I had to know was what God told me. That His plan was for my good and my story was not over yet.
So eventually I pulled myself out of the darkest pit and I begged God to help me walk by faith. And so He did. God helped me to find hope, joy, and peace again. He helped me to keep moving forward and encouraged me to share my story. God wanted me to know that He didn’t hate me but He loves me deeply and never wanted to hurt me. God was protecting me from something I didn’t know I needed to be protected from.
God showed me signs that I could trust Him and He revealed to me how I could walk in faith and believe that my story was not over.
So soon after my second miscarriage, when I was studying my Bible, God spoke to me and told me that in Feb. I would find out I was pregnant with my healthy baby who would live. I assumed He meant Feb 2022 and so when Feb went by I felt disappointed but continued to trust God.
During my period of waiting on God, I prayed, I asked other people to pray for me, I demonstrated my faith by buying things that would remind me of God’s promise, and I never stopped seeking or trusting God for answers and comfort.
Fast forward to December 19th, 2022, the day before my birthday, I found out I was pregnant for the 3rd time. But this time things felt different. My husband and I were in a good place in our marriage and we were happy about where we lived. I was just about to go get ovulation pills to try and speed up the process, but God told me to “Be Still” and when I took the pregnancy test required before taking the pills, there were two lines!
My parents were in town and they were able to pray over my womb/belly as soon as we found out! And then in Feb 2023, I had my first ultrasound and the doctor confirmed that our baby was healthy and perfect even after traveling on a plane, then all the way to Mexico on a cruise and back. Our baby stayed strong and well.
Through all of this, I realized that I was never entitled to anything. God did not owe me a baby because I am a sinner. But I repented for my sins and asked God that He would bestow His grace and mercy upon me. Slowly I began to release my worry and every day of pregnancy there is a battle in my mind, but when I choose to focus on His promises instead of my past, I feel completely hopeful that this baby is our miracle and God has blessed us more than we could have ever thought or imagined.
I will say at times, my faith is only as small as a mustard seed. But even with just a little faith, God continues to give us His grace and mercy. And I know and believe that if He did it for us, He will do it for you.
XOXO, Tarinah